Category: raising children

SURVIVING TRIBE-SOLATION

©️ 2018 P Y Vachha/ all rights reserved/ Instagram @vayapi

We are the generation of the tech-agers, accustomed to receiving immediate answers to all our questions with the click of a button anywhere, anytime, instantly. We are the generation with easy access to all explanations, and the attitude that nothing shocks or surprises. Yet just a few months ago, we were all shocked and surprised. Almost overnight, the word pandemic has become a part of our daily vocabulary, and all our technology still unable to inform us when – or even if – things will ever revert to the way they were.

Never at any known time in our history, have so many people been forced to abandon everything they are familiar with, drawn out of their routines and comfort zones, into a very unique emotional and mental space. The same tech that gave us our instant answers now spews out on a daily basis, images and stories of disease, death, economic ruin and a plethora of other disastrous consequences.

At the time of writing this, approximately 4 billion people are in lockdown around the world – some voluntarily, but most due to forced lockdowns put in place by governments across the globe to “flatten the curve”. As a result, many of us are isolated at home with our “Tribes” – family members, spouses, partners, parents, friends etc. – essentially, people we hold dear and love.

It would be true to say that each and every human at some point in their life has fantasized about being home with their Tribe for an extended period of time. However, under the present emotional and mental strains we all are dealing with, this dream has for most metamorphized to reality and then rapidly degenerated into a nightmare.

After the first few days, once the feeling of this being a long weekend at home diminished … reality sunk in. Most of us began to work and home school at the same time. There were some who faced challenges to source food and essentials for their families. With the addition of this day-to-day stress to the already-present cocktail of fear and anger caused by having to constantly live with the unknown, our bodies began to react by switching to flight-or-fight mode.

Flight or fight mode changes the way our body functions internally and throws off its internal balance. As a result, we experience a host of both physical and emotional symptoms. Indigestion, insomnia, blood pressure fluctuations, headaches, and back pain, to name a few, begin to affect us. We are unable to think clearly as the oxygenated blood to our brains is diverted, to allow us to perform in this mode. Unfortunately, it has been millennia since we required this mode of being, so all the hormones and other chemicals generated by our body to fight start to flood our bodies and affect us emotionally. We tend to become vulnerable to a host of extreme emotions, especially irritation.

This leads to us reacting quite negatively with words and actions at acts that usually we would tolerate or brush off with mirth. However, under the present circumstances our emotions and mind are overwhelmed and are seeking a vent to let out the volcano of negative emotions that one needs to purge.

Typically, the stages of Tribe-solation so many have been through, or will likely experience, are:


1. Surreal bliss;
2. Reality;
3. Fear;
4. Irritation;
5. An explosion of anger;
6. Ugly disagreements; and
7. A chilling unease that invades your home.

Once the friction has subsided, and all concerned have had the time to reconsider their acts and actions, we tend to remember that it is our Tribe that has loved and supported us in the past – leading us to try to resolve issues within the Tribe. The fact that the Tribe is stuck together for the duration of the Tribe-solation is often an incentive to fast-track the reconciliation process. This could lead to some very important yet uncomfortable discussions, with compromises needing to be negotiated. One should consider this an opportunity to salvage, repair and regenerate our most important relationships to last through not just this distressing time but beyond it, with more empathy and compassion.

Please note – for some, these conversations or the lack of them may lead to the realization that certain relationships did not have the love and respect to survive this or any other difficult time and plans are made to part post the legally enforceable self-isolation periods. It may be of small consolation at this time but in the long run you will come to acknowledge that you deserved better and it was best to let go of a one-sided or an abusive relationship. Always try and remember that you are deserving of so much more that is out there for the taking, once you rid yourself of these dead relationships.

My Tips on coming out of Tribe-solation stronger Tribe than when we went in:

1. Stop…
There is no point speaking when you are angry or fearful. This is the time your brain receives the least amount of oxygen and you will make no sense. Even if you have a valid point, you will not be able to convey it coherently and it will be lost. Calm down first. You have time – neither you nor anyone in your family is going anywhere.

2. Calm Down
My advice is to excuse yourself. If you’re short on space, take a toilet break. When angry, the tone of your voice and how you convey yourself to your loved ones will hurt them, and later will haunt you and hurt you perhaps even more than them. Remember that you love them, regardless of your momentary feelings. The best way to do this is to slow your breathing. Your mind and breath are connected. When you begin your breath will be fast and inconsistent. Breathe consciously, trying to slow down your breath. This should calm you down sufficiently.

3. Dig deeper through the feeling of anger, to what the issue really is
When you feel you can discuss what has happened in a calm and logical manner, speak with love. The thing to remember when trying to work through an issue, never aim to be a winner. This is not a commercial transaction and there is no winning for you when there is strife in your Tribe. The only win is one for your Tribe, when you arrive at a respectful, amicable solution.

4. Discuss what has happened
Be brave and talk through the uncomfortable issues until you reach a solution or acceptable compromise. Remember, no one is going anywhere in a hurry – you are all isolating together. Your goal must be to resolve, meditate, and work towards a deeper understanding of your loved ones.

5. Discuss each other’s feelings
We always assume we know our loved ones better than anyone, but at times they themselves act and react to issues differently to what you may expect or know of them. Many suffer from rational fears and even subconscious ones that they themselves are unaware of or cannot vocalize. Remember that your loved ones are human too, and these are not “normal” times.

An interjection here to discuss how this would affect children of the Tribe…

It is a common fact that children are creatures of habit. They may claim they hate schedules and discipline, but both give them the comfort of security. They are all aware something is not quite right. Whether you have discussed it or not Child-solation has unsettled and stressed them. Please do not add to the stress by pretending they are unaware of when their tribe is in discord. Involve your children in family discussions. Discuss what is going on in your home with them in a manner that they can understand. Even if they were not subject to the altercation, they can and will sense it – so include them as much as possible in the resolution process. If that is not feasible, explain what the disagreement was and clarify how you were wrong to use an angry voice. Reassure them that all is resolved, and they are loved individually as well as part of a loving family.

6. Forgive and let go
Move on from the energy of the negativity generated by the anger, to a positive, productive and happy space. You are not a saint or martyr when you forgive – you are doing it more for yourself than anyone else. You do not need to emotionally and mentally be tormented repeatedly with the same negativity nor does your Tribe. Move on, leave what has happened in the past and try to make the best of the situation.

7. Introspect
Be consciously mindful of what upset the other. Ask yourself why you or they do, say, act and react a certain way. Try not to repeat the behavior and if they do, discuss it again with love and empathy. Inject a dose of positivity into your inter-personal relationships.

8. Self Improvement
Use this time to consciously work on yourself. For those who now have free time, this is an ideal time for self-help and self-improvement projects. However, none will work until you make the effort to incorporate all the advice and information you receive into your life. You need to go out of your comfort zone to an unknown an uncomfortable place and make the effort to be conscious of your words, acts and actions and effect the changes you want into your life.

9. Release Control over your Tribe
Allow everyone some down time of their choice. Regardless of whether they are home all day, they are still working or schooling and need a break. As long as everyone does something that does not hurt anyone including themselves, let them enjoy that freedom of doing what they like. Let them find the nook of your house that gives them comfort and allow them the freedom to do whatever gives them bliss, even if it may not be your cup of tea. Allow everyone to indulge in hobbies and discover talents or just lounge about and do nothing if they fancy. Happy individuals equal a happy Tribe.

10. Rejuvenate Tribal Bonding
Re-establish a family routine and be brave enough to start new traditions – for example, make time for a regular family conversation. Re-discover what you all like to do as a group and undertake that activity together. Once everyone has found their flow in this new family dynamic, know that your Tribe is on a new and wonderful journey together.

In Conclusion…
Flip the switch on all that is causing you and your Tribe to be stuck in an unpleasant space, and focus on making this a time when you and your family create memories you will cherish forever.


• My book Help Yourself Get Unstuck (available on Amazon and Kindle) has an array of suggestions and exercises to help you forgive, let go and work through your anger constructively.

Motherhood – the fastest path to enlightenment

A long time ago I came across a beautiful quotation by an enlightened man which said if you want to spiritually progress get married and if you want to get enlightened quickly have children. I had my children earlier then most of my friends. I was chatting with a very old friend recently who said, “No one tells you how hard motherhood is.” I too agree that motherhood poses ‘challenges’ but I would not say it is the hardest thing in the world it is simply a change that needs adjusting to. The enlightenment, personal growth or whatever you want to call it is simply a mother’s ability to accept change and to love unconditionally. One is provided with 9 months to but when your baby finally graces you with its presence it is so very overwhelming that no matter how much you prepare there is not much you can do but accept that it is here to stay and welcome the journey into the unknown together.

Pregnancy and motherhood are instinctive, interactive states of being which are experiential. You can read every book, blog and scientific paper in the world but until you get pregnant and have your baby you cant experience it. And the experiences will not only be yours they are shared ones with the unique baby you have. Now as a second time mum I can go so far as to say when you do it again the second time it will be similar but different as your baby is another totally unique being.

Motherhood is above all a state of mind, which is shared though the invisible life long bonds you share with your baby. After being brainwashed by parenting books you are in the state of mind the books have put you in so if your books prepare you for those inextricably hard difficult experiences you will meditate on those and manifest them. You will expect to corner most of the difficulties set out in the books and as you focus on what you don’t want to happen you meditate on all those negatives and through the unbreakable mother baby bond you will manage to convey those thoughts to the baby who in turn will ensure that you both experience whatever you focus on. This is why in most cultures mother’s to be are asked to focus on happy and positive thoughts.

I recommend trying to meditate on what you do want from your baby. Focus on having a quiet baby, a healthy baby, a happy smiley baby a baby who coos at you expend your mental energies meditating on those things and it is likely that you shall have them. In my experience as an alternative therapist I can confirm that babies are so linked to their mother’s that if a mother experiences stress the baby displays it and most paediacticians will diagnoise the babies behaviours as cholic. Paediatricians will prepare you to suffer the colic and crying for a few hours for months of your babies life and you will prepare yourself and your baby for that experience. It is a great idea to note when your baby starts to display colickey behaviour? Is it when the sun goes down and your baby is scared of the dark? Do you tend to cover your baby with clothes intending to keep him or her warm at a certain time that bother him or her? Try to change your routines and it just may work our for the best.

When you get pregnant you are well aware of all the hormonal changes but even those are subtle compared to what happens when the baby comes. Hormones cause huge shifts in mood. Every mother is prone to a certain amount of drama if not a full fledged tantrum from time to time. The one thing the new mum needs to understand is that she can squarely blame the hormones all she needs to do is to put these episodes behind her and keep going and doing whatever is needed for her well being and the babies. Self blame and self loathing they help no one and waste precious time and they will disturb the precious little bits of sleep one manages to catch so its best to just do away with those useless feelings. So mothers my advice is just take every day which feels like a year when you have a new baby as it comes try to be as happy as possible but don’t be too hard on yourself if you do have an episode. Accept that life has changed forever but the hormones will normalise soon and you will feel like yourself again. Until them be kind, forgiving and understanding with yourselves and focus on only what is important for baby and you.

When it comes to your baby trust your own instincts and do take into account what the baby wants and needs he or she is sure to let you know in one way or another. It is just a matter of figuring out what works for baby and you if the baby does not like the way the hospital showed you to bathe it or to be swaddled like a mummy the way your granny or mother in law wants just don’t do it. Forget whatever you have read in the books and whatever your friends, family and well wishers have told you. A great save is to blame your doctor, it is so simple to say the doctor said there is no need to do x, y or z for this particular baby and leave it at that.

Now the one thing that has been taken too far by the medical fraternity is the issue of breastfeeding. If you have milk flowing through you to the extent that it can feed and satisfy your baby great for you. But if you just cant seem to lactate or lactate sufficiently know that you are not the most awful mother in the world. These days the standard line is feed your baby and you nurture and love it but there are some of us who just cant manage to feed our babies. As long as you can let go of your ego and feed your baby formulae or whatever it is you are a good mother. You can still place your baby on your body for warmth and cuddles and you will bond beautifully with your children regardless or your ability to ooze breast milk at will.

Motherhood is what you make of it. Like life motherhood is flexible and full of choices so why limit yourself and frustrate yourself if the norm does not work for you. There will be hurdles and you will just have to figure out the best way for you to get through them. Life is full of options if you cant jump over them its ok there are no rules preventing you from going under them or just walking a few steps back and going around them. Life is so very full of options just take whatever is easiest and works for you and your baby.

Parenting – a question of Love or Fear

I heard an unusual story yesterday that really make an impression on me. A friend told me of an acquaintence who decided to elope who informed her local police station about her wedding before her family as she was terrified that she and her husband may become victims of an honour killing. To me this sounded like a tale from deepest darkest Afganistan in what other place would a girl be so terrified of the people who conceived, nurtured, loved, protected and invested time and money on her for 30 years. I now know it happens everywhere and such a threat has nothing to do with Mullas or religion at all.

The gentleman the lady in question had eloped with, apart from some degree of financial disparity, was of the same in religion, class, cast and as a couple they could infact be considered as socially very compatible. The lady in question is educated as is her family they live not in cave or a tent but a codo in a city with running water, electricity and all the amenities that normal people enjoy. She does not wear pardah or any head scarf at all. She even wears a swim suit when she swims!

So when such a lady goes to the police and informs them she fears her life from her parents it really makes no sense as there is no issue between the lady and her previously loving, caring parents other then the fact that their social conditioned ego had been punctured by her decision to choose her own husband.

It is the norm in certain cultures to for family elders to make every conceivable decision that relates to their child’s existence in any way. This is severely compounded in case of women in most Eastern cultures. I had no idea how very strong and potent this was until a few years ago when I met a lovely lady of Asian origin who lived in London who was disowned by her family for leaving her head uncovered and choosing to cut off her hair in order to fit into English society.

As I reflected on these stories of these women I realised that we condition ourselves to accept certain idiocyncratic behaviours and beliefs presented by society. Most men love to assume the mantel of supreme controller of their families it is a powerful feeling which makes them feel wanted and important. Men feel this is a priviledge that they deserve as they are the bread winners of the family. Although today most women contribute to the family coffers as well the belief that the man is the one in control is firmly maintained even if he earns less then the women of the house.

What happens when the control such a man has over his family challenged? Does he dispose of his errant (in his belief system) child or does the accept his child’s decision which will cause him great discomfort as his ego will be injured? It is hard to say as there is no statistical mean formulae or precedent here as these matters are private. Everything evolves on a case by case basis. Howeverthere is always choice, the choice is love over ego.

Most of us fail to remember that a soul chooses us to be their parent to learn lessons in the physical form to attain some advancement on a spiritual level. Parenting is a privilege and not a chore. So how we parent should reflect that great honour of being a parent. Unfortunately once an ego gets in the way instead of guiding and teaching one’s child through love one switches to bullying one’s child and getting their child to function through fear. This is the case with most parents who worry about loosing face. In such cases the honour is lost, the honour of parenting that is to the ego. Such are the parents their progeny to conform with their belief systems whether right, wrong, relevant, outdated or even just morally reprehensible.

Once in a while parents who function on the level of love also get seduced by their egos, be it in fits and starts, to scare their children to conform with what is socially acceptable. To love unconditionally and keep teaching and guiding with that level of commitment and love is a task that God is capable of doing and does. When we become parents though this is what is expected of us as we undertake a huge spiritual responsibility towards our children. As our children have honoured us as their guides to to learn to live which in turn enables them to learn their life lessons would it not be fantastic if we can teach them of love and through love rather then through the fears rooted in Ego and self?