We are the generation of the tech-agers, accustomed to receiving immediate answers to all our questions with the click of a button anywhere, anytime, instantly. We are the generation with easy access to all explanations, and the attitude that nothing shocks or surprises. Yet just a few months ago, we were all shocked and surprised. Almost overnight, the word pandemic has become a part of our daily vocabulary, and all our technology still unable to inform us when – or even if – things will ever revert to the way they were.
Never at any known time in our history, have so many people been forced to abandon everything they are familiar with, drawn out of their routines and comfort zones, into a very unique emotional and mental space. The same tech that gave us our instant answers now spews out on a daily basis, images and stories of disease, death, economic ruin and a plethora of other disastrous consequences.
At the time of writing this, approximately 4 billion people are in lockdown around the world – some voluntarily, but most due to forced lockdowns put in place by governments across the globe to “flatten the curve”. As a result, many of us are isolated at home with our “Tribes” – family members, spouses, partners, parents, friends etc. – essentially, people we hold dear and love.
It would be true to say that each and every human at some point in their life has fantasized about being home with their Tribe for an extended period of time. However, under the present emotional and mental strains we all are dealing with, this dream has for most metamorphized to reality and then rapidly degenerated into a nightmare.
After the first few days, once the feeling of this being a long weekend at home diminished … reality sunk in. Most of us began to work and home school at the same time. There were some who faced challenges to source food and essentials for their families. With the addition of this day-to-day stress to the already-present cocktail of fear and anger caused by having to constantly live with the unknown, our bodies began to react by switching to flight-or-fight mode.
Flight or fight mode changes the way our body functions internally and throws off its internal balance. As a result, we experience a host of both physical and emotional symptoms. Indigestion, insomnia, blood pressure fluctuations, headaches, and back pain, to name a few, begin to affect us. We are unable to think clearly as the oxygenated blood to our brains is diverted, to allow us to perform in this mode. Unfortunately, it has been millennia since we required this mode of being, so all the hormones and other chemicals generated by our body to fight start to flood our bodies and affect us emotionally. We tend to become vulnerable to a host of extreme emotions, especially irritation.
This leads to us reacting quite negatively with words and actions at acts that usually we would tolerate or brush off with mirth. However, under the present circumstances our emotions and mind are overwhelmed and are seeking a vent to let out the volcano of negative emotions that one needs to purge.
Typically, the stages of Tribe-solation so many have been through, or will likely experience, are:
1. Surreal bliss;
2. Reality;
3. Fear;
4. Irritation;
5. An explosion of anger;
6. Ugly disagreements; and
7. A chilling unease that invades your home.
Once the friction has subsided, and all concerned have had the time to reconsider their acts and actions, we tend to remember that it is our Tribe that has loved and supported us in the past – leading us to try to resolve issues within the Tribe. The fact that the Tribe is stuck together for the duration of the Tribe-solation is often an incentive to fast-track the reconciliation process. This could lead to some very important yet uncomfortable discussions, with compromises needing to be negotiated. One should consider this an opportunity to salvage, repair and regenerate our most important relationships to last through not just this distressing time but beyond it, with more empathy and compassion.
Please note – for some, these conversations or the lack of them may lead to the realization that certain relationships did not have the love and respect to survive this or any other difficult time and plans are made to part post the legally enforceable self-isolation periods. It may be of small consolation at this time but in the long run you will come to acknowledge that you deserved better and it was best to let go of a one-sided or an abusive relationship. Always try and remember that you are deserving of so much more that is out there for the taking, once you rid yourself of these dead relationships.
My Tips on coming out of Tribe-solation stronger Tribe than when we went in:
1. Stop…
There is no point speaking when you are angry or fearful. This is the time your brain receives the least amount of oxygen and you will make no sense. Even if you have a valid point, you will not be able to convey it coherently and it will be lost. Calm down first. You have time – neither you nor anyone in your family is going anywhere.
2. Calm Down
My advice is to excuse yourself. If you’re short on space, take a toilet break. When angry, the tone of your voice and how you convey yourself to your loved ones will hurt them, and later will haunt you and hurt you perhaps even more than them. Remember that you love them, regardless of your momentary feelings. The best way to do this is to slow your breathing. Your mind and breath are connected. When you begin your breath will be fast and inconsistent. Breathe consciously, trying to slow down your breath. This should calm you down sufficiently.
3. Dig deeper through the feeling of anger, to what the issue really is
When you feel you can discuss what has happened in a calm and logical manner, speak with love. The thing to remember when trying to work through an issue, never aim to be a winner. This is not a commercial transaction and there is no winning for you when there is strife in your Tribe. The only win is one for your Tribe, when you arrive at a respectful, amicable solution.
4. Discuss what has happened
Be brave and talk through the uncomfortable issues until you reach a solution or acceptable compromise. Remember, no one is going anywhere in a hurry – you are all isolating together. Your goal must be to resolve, meditate, and work towards a deeper understanding of your loved ones.
5. Discuss each other’s feelings
We always assume we know our loved ones better than anyone, but at times they themselves act and react to issues differently to what you may expect or know of them. Many suffer from rational fears and even subconscious ones that they themselves are unaware of or cannot vocalize. Remember that your loved ones are human too, and these are not “normal” times.
An interjection here to discuss how this would affect children of the Tribe…
It is a common fact that children are creatures of habit. They may claim they hate schedules and discipline, but both give them the comfort of security. They are all aware something is not quite right. Whether you have discussed it or not Child-solation has unsettled and stressed them. Please do not add to the stress by pretending they are unaware of when their tribe is in discord. Involve your children in family discussions. Discuss what is going on in your home with them in a manner that they can understand. Even if they were not subject to the altercation, they can and will sense it – so include them as much as possible in the resolution process. If that is not feasible, explain what the disagreement was and clarify how you were wrong to use an angry voice. Reassure them that all is resolved, and they are loved individually as well as part of a loving family.
6. Forgive and let go
Move on from the energy of the negativity generated by the anger, to a positive, productive and happy space. You are not a saint or martyr when you forgive – you are doing it more for yourself than anyone else. You do not need to emotionally and mentally be tormented repeatedly with the same negativity nor does your Tribe. Move on, leave what has happened in the past and try to make the best of the situation.
7. Introspect
Be consciously mindful of what upset the other. Ask yourself why you or they do, say, act and react a certain way. Try not to repeat the behavior and if they do, discuss it again with love and empathy. Inject a dose of positivity into your inter-personal relationships.
8. Self Improvement
Use this time to consciously work on yourself. For those who now have free time, this is an ideal time for self-help and self-improvement projects. However, none will work until you make the effort to incorporate all the advice and information you receive into your life. You need to go out of your comfort zone to an unknown an uncomfortable place and make the effort to be conscious of your words, acts and actions and effect the changes you want into your life.
9. Release Control over your Tribe
Allow everyone some down time of their choice. Regardless of whether they are home all day, they are still working or schooling and need a break. As long as everyone does something that does not hurt anyone including themselves, let them enjoy that freedom of doing what they like. Let them find the nook of your house that gives them comfort and allow them the freedom to do whatever gives them bliss, even if it may not be your cup of tea. Allow everyone to indulge in hobbies and discover talents or just lounge about and do nothing if they fancy. Happy individuals equal a happy Tribe.
10. Rejuvenate Tribal Bonding
Re-establish a family routine and be brave enough to start new traditions – for example, make time for a regular family conversation. Re-discover what you all like to do as a group and undertake that activity together. Once everyone has found their flow in this new family dynamic, know that your Tribe is on a new and wonderful journey together.
In Conclusion…
Flip the switch on all that is causing you and your Tribe to be stuck in an unpleasant space, and focus on making this a time when you and your family create memories you will cherish forever.
• My book Help Yourself Get Unstuck (available on Amazon and Kindle) has an array of suggestions and exercises to help you forgive, let go and work through your anger constructively.