Category: forgiveness

SURVIVING TRIBE-SOLATION

©️ 2018 P Y Vachha/ all rights reserved/ Instagram @vayapi

We are the generation of the tech-agers, accustomed to receiving immediate answers to all our questions with the click of a button anywhere, anytime, instantly. We are the generation with easy access to all explanations, and the attitude that nothing shocks or surprises. Yet just a few months ago, we were all shocked and surprised. Almost overnight, the word pandemic has become a part of our daily vocabulary, and all our technology still unable to inform us when – or even if – things will ever revert to the way they were.

Never at any known time in our history, have so many people been forced to abandon everything they are familiar with, drawn out of their routines and comfort zones, into a very unique emotional and mental space. The same tech that gave us our instant answers now spews out on a daily basis, images and stories of disease, death, economic ruin and a plethora of other disastrous consequences.

At the time of writing this, approximately 4 billion people are in lockdown around the world – some voluntarily, but most due to forced lockdowns put in place by governments across the globe to “flatten the curve”. As a result, many of us are isolated at home with our “Tribes” – family members, spouses, partners, parents, friends etc. – essentially, people we hold dear and love.

It would be true to say that each and every human at some point in their life has fantasized about being home with their Tribe for an extended period of time. However, under the present emotional and mental strains we all are dealing with, this dream has for most metamorphized to reality and then rapidly degenerated into a nightmare.

After the first few days, once the feeling of this being a long weekend at home diminished … reality sunk in. Most of us began to work and home school at the same time. There were some who faced challenges to source food and essentials for their families. With the addition of this day-to-day stress to the already-present cocktail of fear and anger caused by having to constantly live with the unknown, our bodies began to react by switching to flight-or-fight mode.

Flight or fight mode changes the way our body functions internally and throws off its internal balance. As a result, we experience a host of both physical and emotional symptoms. Indigestion, insomnia, blood pressure fluctuations, headaches, and back pain, to name a few, begin to affect us. We are unable to think clearly as the oxygenated blood to our brains is diverted, to allow us to perform in this mode. Unfortunately, it has been millennia since we required this mode of being, so all the hormones and other chemicals generated by our body to fight start to flood our bodies and affect us emotionally. We tend to become vulnerable to a host of extreme emotions, especially irritation.

This leads to us reacting quite negatively with words and actions at acts that usually we would tolerate or brush off with mirth. However, under the present circumstances our emotions and mind are overwhelmed and are seeking a vent to let out the volcano of negative emotions that one needs to purge.

Typically, the stages of Tribe-solation so many have been through, or will likely experience, are:


1. Surreal bliss;
2. Reality;
3. Fear;
4. Irritation;
5. An explosion of anger;
6. Ugly disagreements; and
7. A chilling unease that invades your home.

Once the friction has subsided, and all concerned have had the time to reconsider their acts and actions, we tend to remember that it is our Tribe that has loved and supported us in the past – leading us to try to resolve issues within the Tribe. The fact that the Tribe is stuck together for the duration of the Tribe-solation is often an incentive to fast-track the reconciliation process. This could lead to some very important yet uncomfortable discussions, with compromises needing to be negotiated. One should consider this an opportunity to salvage, repair and regenerate our most important relationships to last through not just this distressing time but beyond it, with more empathy and compassion.

Please note – for some, these conversations or the lack of them may lead to the realization that certain relationships did not have the love and respect to survive this or any other difficult time and plans are made to part post the legally enforceable self-isolation periods. It may be of small consolation at this time but in the long run you will come to acknowledge that you deserved better and it was best to let go of a one-sided or an abusive relationship. Always try and remember that you are deserving of so much more that is out there for the taking, once you rid yourself of these dead relationships.

My Tips on coming out of Tribe-solation stronger Tribe than when we went in:

1. Stop…
There is no point speaking when you are angry or fearful. This is the time your brain receives the least amount of oxygen and you will make no sense. Even if you have a valid point, you will not be able to convey it coherently and it will be lost. Calm down first. You have time – neither you nor anyone in your family is going anywhere.

2. Calm Down
My advice is to excuse yourself. If you’re short on space, take a toilet break. When angry, the tone of your voice and how you convey yourself to your loved ones will hurt them, and later will haunt you and hurt you perhaps even more than them. Remember that you love them, regardless of your momentary feelings. The best way to do this is to slow your breathing. Your mind and breath are connected. When you begin your breath will be fast and inconsistent. Breathe consciously, trying to slow down your breath. This should calm you down sufficiently.

3. Dig deeper through the feeling of anger, to what the issue really is
When you feel you can discuss what has happened in a calm and logical manner, speak with love. The thing to remember when trying to work through an issue, never aim to be a winner. This is not a commercial transaction and there is no winning for you when there is strife in your Tribe. The only win is one for your Tribe, when you arrive at a respectful, amicable solution.

4. Discuss what has happened
Be brave and talk through the uncomfortable issues until you reach a solution or acceptable compromise. Remember, no one is going anywhere in a hurry – you are all isolating together. Your goal must be to resolve, meditate, and work towards a deeper understanding of your loved ones.

5. Discuss each other’s feelings
We always assume we know our loved ones better than anyone, but at times they themselves act and react to issues differently to what you may expect or know of them. Many suffer from rational fears and even subconscious ones that they themselves are unaware of or cannot vocalize. Remember that your loved ones are human too, and these are not “normal” times.

An interjection here to discuss how this would affect children of the Tribe…

It is a common fact that children are creatures of habit. They may claim they hate schedules and discipline, but both give them the comfort of security. They are all aware something is not quite right. Whether you have discussed it or not Child-solation has unsettled and stressed them. Please do not add to the stress by pretending they are unaware of when their tribe is in discord. Involve your children in family discussions. Discuss what is going on in your home with them in a manner that they can understand. Even if they were not subject to the altercation, they can and will sense it – so include them as much as possible in the resolution process. If that is not feasible, explain what the disagreement was and clarify how you were wrong to use an angry voice. Reassure them that all is resolved, and they are loved individually as well as part of a loving family.

6. Forgive and let go
Move on from the energy of the negativity generated by the anger, to a positive, productive and happy space. You are not a saint or martyr when you forgive – you are doing it more for yourself than anyone else. You do not need to emotionally and mentally be tormented repeatedly with the same negativity nor does your Tribe. Move on, leave what has happened in the past and try to make the best of the situation.

7. Introspect
Be consciously mindful of what upset the other. Ask yourself why you or they do, say, act and react a certain way. Try not to repeat the behavior and if they do, discuss it again with love and empathy. Inject a dose of positivity into your inter-personal relationships.

8. Self Improvement
Use this time to consciously work on yourself. For those who now have free time, this is an ideal time for self-help and self-improvement projects. However, none will work until you make the effort to incorporate all the advice and information you receive into your life. You need to go out of your comfort zone to an unknown an uncomfortable place and make the effort to be conscious of your words, acts and actions and effect the changes you want into your life.

9. Release Control over your Tribe
Allow everyone some down time of their choice. Regardless of whether they are home all day, they are still working or schooling and need a break. As long as everyone does something that does not hurt anyone including themselves, let them enjoy that freedom of doing what they like. Let them find the nook of your house that gives them comfort and allow them the freedom to do whatever gives them bliss, even if it may not be your cup of tea. Allow everyone to indulge in hobbies and discover talents or just lounge about and do nothing if they fancy. Happy individuals equal a happy Tribe.

10. Rejuvenate Tribal Bonding
Re-establish a family routine and be brave enough to start new traditions – for example, make time for a regular family conversation. Re-discover what you all like to do as a group and undertake that activity together. Once everyone has found their flow in this new family dynamic, know that your Tribe is on a new and wonderful journey together.

In Conclusion…
Flip the switch on all that is causing you and your Tribe to be stuck in an unpleasant space, and focus on making this a time when you and your family create memories you will cherish forever.


• My book Help Yourself Get Unstuck (available on Amazon and Kindle) has an array of suggestions and exercises to help you forgive, let go and work through your anger constructively.

Getting Unstuck

Every one of us has experienced a “dark time” in our lives. There is not a person on who is spared that feeling of falling into emotional and mental quicksand from where there is no respite and no matter what you do to try to extricate yourself from those circumstances all you manage is to make things worse and you are left with the feeling that your stuck in a never ending tunnel of darkness. While it is true that everyone experiences these feelings and thoughts from time it is a fact that not everyone chooses to advertise them. There are those who get so hopelessly lost in their problems that in time they become the problem. There are others who choose to smile through their problems while wallowing in misery, while others still select the many other ways of trudging through their worst times. If you are feeling blue or that darkness has descended upon you and you feel alone, your not you need to stop with the self pity if you want to move on and away from your problems. Take solace in the fact that you at present are one of the millions or even billions dealing with issues you find hard to physically, emotionally and mentally process and deal with. No one is spared this drama and trauma it is just a matter of time when we all need to trudge through these circumstances. Even if you think that there are those who seem to float through life with no worries but that is never the case. Such people just know how to deal with their problems constructively while controlling their innate urge to wallow in their miseries and pity themselves as most do. The key is to focus on the issues at hand not on how you feel. Stating you are a “highly emotional person” is just another way of saying I am incapable of dealing with life and more prone to creating drama and suffering trauma rathe then resolving my problems. Being “Emotional” and “Sensitive” is an excuse which you think may work but in reality it only hurts and harms you. The next time you feel like indulging in an orgy of self pity or are envying another for succeeding when you feel your failing, give the other person the credit for focussing and resolving their problems, not fixating on themselves and how cheated, hurt, pained, small, etc etc they feel in the same circumstances. Remember everyone deals with situations, circumstances and problems differently. If you fail where others succeed then it is you who needs to take charge of yourself and do whatever it takes to stop yourself from getting out of whatever you feel trapped in. Envying someone else is a waste of time. You need to assess your situation, focus on your problems and just get on with resolving your issues. Whatever your issues you need to take responsibility and work through whatever crops up as you are empowered to resolve your own issues.As a therapist I have heard, seen and assisted many out of this state of being “Stuck” and I have discovered that the key to getting unstuck always lies with the person who is stuck. It is only when you are willing to make an effort to work on yourself that you will discover choices and options to resolve your problems open out to you that you felt were not options before. My book “Help Yourself Get Unstuck*” was written as a tool to help others navigate through the worst times to get to the very best of themselves and their lives. The book contains exercises, visualizations, mantras and other techniques that allow you to take control of yourself and your circumstances, accept responsibility, forgive yourself and others, let go of the past, make choices and reassess your options in order to help yourself get unstuck and live the life you desire. * Help Yourself Get Unstuck is available online at: Smashwords :https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210841#longdescr

The Shift: From Broken Hearts to Anger

As mentioned in my earlier blogs I am a sceptic of 2012 and what the “End of the Worlder’s” define as “The Shift”. I have always felt that ‘the Shift’ is an energetic change which will result in a spiritual evolution of our world. As a spiritual councellor and energy therapist I had noted a trend which started in October 2012 which I termed as the “Epidemic of Broken Hearts” (ttp://healingboutique.blogspot.com/2010/11/shift-and-broken-hearts.html?spref=bl).

In the last two months I have noticed a new development, I have been consulted by lots of people who are experiencing inexplanable emotional fragility, skin allergies, odd boil formations, cysts and other painful growths, excima, overeating, weight that just does not want to leave certain areas of one’s body. All of these are simply physical manifestations of a variety of deeply suppressed emotions which with the passing of time have calcified into anger. I was only able to identify the common theme of anger when I noticed that each and every one of these patients I worked on had a lot of energetic fire within which I witnessed leaving their energetic body. In the last two days I have actually had some of my more sensitive past patients call to inquire what their dreams of being on fire meant!

Anger is a very dangerous emotion and is a very physical equivalent of fire, it is catching. Anger is a dangerous emotion it is tremendously contageous and one can observe mass anger in the Middle East just now. The masses in Egypt, the Yemen, Algeria, Tunisia and it is rumoured even Lebanon have found an outlet for decades of unvocalised feelings, emotions and anger at being politically, economically, financially, psychologically and emotionally suppressed in their demonstrations.

Anger is very complicated. It is actually an emotion in itself and yet it can also be the end result of various emotions and/or any amount of physical, psychological and emotional situations or a combination them all. It is very difficult one to advise someone how to deal and live with anger. Some say express it and others to suppress it. Suppression results in a plethoria of physical and psychological manifestations as can be noted from the varying patients I have seen recently.

On the other hand anger expressed is also not a solution, but an severe expression of ones feelings and emotions, which in most cases fuels or worsens most situations. The expression of anger leaves one empty, depressed and low. All of which can actually lead to someone feeling angrier! Anger begets anger. If you get angry and express your anger it is hihgly likely that the person at the receiving end will return your anger and set of a chain reaction with no end. In such a situation there is no alternative then to “turn the other cheek”.

Anger when expressed sets of a chain of reactions in our physical bodies which range from high blood pressure to the release of chemical secretions which are harmful to one’s body. There is no doubt that anger has an advserse effect on ones mental state it clouds one’s judgement, distracts one from concentrating thereby frustrating one even more and fuelling one’s anger further. Energetically anger lets down one’s energetic immunity and breaks down filters which protect you from energetic, emotional and physical ailments.

So what is the solution? At the Healingboutique advises another alternative, to deal and work through anger without expressing it while relieving the suppressed emotion. Here is how to work on your anger::

1. address what caused the anger and sitting to logically look into the issue. In lots of cases the cause of anger is so old it is invalid with regards to one’s present circumstances;

2. forgive it is the most important thing to break the cycle of anger. (we highly recommend the following excercise www.healingboutique.net/?page_id=681). One needs o forgive and let go of past situations so one can be free of the past and enjoy the present.

3. physical excercise to rid oneself of all the chemical toxins produced in a state of anger which if left unexpended would actually result in further urges to be angry;

4. Yoga, meditation and prayer all allow us to become more aware and consious of our emotions thereby giving one control one’s anger. Meditation and prayer are also cathartic, they bring old suppressed issues to the surface so we can deal with them adequately.

In addition to steps 1-4 we strongly recommend one to three sessions with a holistic therapist to release past energies of anger stored within ones energetic body.